Moments
by Queen Regent Of The North
Summary: There were times when they both needed something more..
1. Chapter 1

**I own nothing except a few Dachshunds. My name is not Julian Fellows nor will it ever be. Do I make my meaning clear? ;) **

They were colleagues, best friends and occasional lovers. Elsie wasn't proud of that fact and neither was Charles, but there were times when they needed one another in more ways than a simple smile or sympathetic look over a cup of tea or glass of sherry. There were times when they needed to confirm that there was someone there who felt and needed as much as the other did. The confirmation that someone was still there, with a heart beating, lungs breathing. Living. Not a soul, living or otherwise, would ever know that these moments happened, but without them neither of them would be able to maintain the strong front that they always put up. They were the strong ones, the back bone of the staff. The carers, the rule enforcers, the parents. But they needed to let their barriers down once in a while, to feel venerable and to let someone take care of them for a change rather than the other way around. It had first started many years ago when he had received the news that his mother had died, when he was still under butler and she was head house maid. To be honest she still wasn't sure how it had happened, given that she had hated him right from the very start. He was the unbending, pretentious, sarcastic under butler who didn't seem to believe that it was okay for staff to have fun once in a while or that mistakes were occasionally made. There wasn't a day that went by without them clashing over something, usually something small and unimportant that no one else would give two hoots about. They would end up in an unoccupied hall in the servants quarters, screaming insults at one another, both of them ending up red faced and extremely irate with each other, her with curls coming out of her pins and falling into her face, him with his hair standing on end due the numerous times he'd run his fingers though it. They would continue like this until eventually either the house keeper or butler would put an end to it and send them to opposite ends of the house. But that day he'd been miraculously compliant and his mind seemed to else where. Elsie was ashamed to admit it, but she thought she'd finally won their long standing disagreement. Then she had found him sitting in the servants hall, staring at the table as though it had done him a great personal harm at some ungodly hour of the morning. She called his name softly from the doorway and he'd looked up in surprise. She'd had to stifle a gasp at his appearance. His eyes were red rimmed, his hair a mess and he looked exhausted. But it was the pain in his eyes that took away the sarcastic comment she was prepared to give him. It was as though all his barriers had fallen away and she could finally see the man within. She had gone over to him and enveloped him into a caring hug. An hour later she was writhing under him on the table. Breakfast had been especially awkward the next morning, as every time they caught one another's eye one of them would turn scarlet. Thankfully no one noticed or chose to remark on it. They came to an unspoken agreement never to mention that night again but something had shifted between them. They no longer had full blow outs over unimportant things (they still fought like cat and dog but now it was over something worth fighting about) and tended to take one another's side more often and when they couldn't do that they stayed as far away as possible from each other. When old Mr Haywood had finally retired Elsie couldn't imagine a better replacement than Charles and couldn't be happier for him. Mrs Russle had retired shortly afterwards and despite the misgivings the rest of the staff had, they were rather good at working together to create a successful household. They had learnt to balance one another, she teaching him to relax a little more and him teaching her that one must always ask for the highest standards. It had been during this time that they became friends, with each of them learning to trust and confide in one another during the late nights spent waiting for the family to return. Until the news had come to them that one of their former maids, a very good friend of Elsie's, had been taken ill and had died rather suddenly. Elsie had received the letter and for reasons she would never know had fled to his pantry and flung herself into his arms, with tears pouring down her face. When they eventually subsided she started to apologize but he swiftly cut her off by covering her mouth with his and to this day she still had never found the buttons for that dress. But it had been what she'd needed and somehow he had instinctively known. These moments of madness as Elsie referred to them in her head continued over the years, in both sad times, like when William had died, and happy times such as when Lady Mary finally accepted Mr Mathew. In between these moments though they continued to grow closer and understand one another better. They now could tell what the other was thinking just in a glance or a slight change in tone of voice. Anna had complained once when she'd first arrived that they could hold a conversation without uttering a word and how it unnerved the rest of the staff. She had laughed it off as silliness but when she sat down and thought about Elsie knew that Anna had been correct. They knew each other inside and out, backwards and forwards and while she had hated him in the beginning, the more she understood the more she came to care for this man and his ways. It made him who he truly was and she thanked god every day that she was privileged to work with him and to know him. It wasn't until Mary had lost the love of her life that she realized she had fallen in love with Charles Carson. And she had fallen hard.

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	2. Chapter 2

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He needed her. Wanted her. Craved her. She brought light into his world where there had only been darkness and as corny as it sounded she completed him. When he had kissed her after she had found him in the servants hall when his mother died it had been out of pure selfishness. He needed to know that someone who cared about him (because he knew she did care, why else would she persist in nagging him over every little thing?) and needed him lived on. He needed to feel her warm body in his arms, hear her breath, see the life in her eyes. He had never intended for it to go that far but he had lost his mind in grief and lust and she had seemed more than willing. He knew the next day that he ought to apologize for his behavior but she had avoided him and continued with her life. Before long it had become something that had happened months ago so there was really no point in bringing it up. But he beat himself up about it constantly. She deserved to be courted, loved and cherished not used and pushed back into the sidelines. Charles was torn in two, he wanted to go back and undo that night but he also never wanted to forget it.

Until a few years later after they had both been promoted when she had rushed into his pantry with tears streaming down her face mumbling something about a woman called Penny. He hadn't known what to do. It scared him to see her so scared and upset. She was the strength of the household who ruled with an iron rod but was still caring and loving to those who needed her to be. Yet here she was, sobbing and looking like a small child who had had a nightmare. So Charles did what she had done for him and had pulled her into a protective hug and let her cry it out on his shoulder (completely ruining his shirt he might add). When she pulled away mumbling an apology he could see the shutters going down and the walls going back up. He knew she allowed him to see a side to her that no one else ever had, the side that was vulnerable and scared. The side that needed comfort and love. He knew she was feeling the same way he had a few years back. Somehow his body knew what she needed even if his mind did not so he pulled her close and kissed her. The next thing he knew they were both lying breathless but sated on the floor. By the next morning both their walls had gone back up and they returned to 'Carson' and 'Mrs Hughes' but Charles knew that everything had changed.

He was starting to notice her more, in ways that he never had before. He would catch himself staring at her or his eyes would follow her out of the room. He noticed the little things, like how her eyes would narrow when she suspected something was amiss, how she bit her lip when something was worrying her and how she would smile slightly when something pleased her.

When Joe Burns had come back into her life he was terrified that he was going to lose his best friend, his confidant and his occasional lover. It took all his strength to resist from pulling her into his arms and begging her to stay. But he couldn't. He had no claim on her. What right did he have to stop her finding love and happiness because of a selfish need to keep her with him? But in the end she had decided to stay. Her only explanation was that she'd changed. Was it something more? Could it be that she would miss him too? Or was it because of her actions in the past? Charles had no doubt that she had been raised to believe that what they'd done was a sin and that she would burn in hell for all eternity. Had she turned him down because she wouldn't be pure? What if all this time she'd been hating herself for what had happened? The thought just made Charles hate himself even more.

These mad moments occurred again and again over the years, in both sad and happy times. Once they had happened they were never mentioned again and each time Charles was left hating himself for what he had done to this beautiful woman. Because she was beautiful, inside and out. Once some impertinent footman had told her so and she had scoffed and rolled her eyes. She never noticed the looks she would get when she went into the village, or even from one or two guests that arrived at the Abbey. She deserved better. She deserved to be treated like a lady.

Then the cancer had come. She had tried so hard to hide it, but the second she and Beryl had walked through the door after going to the doctor he knew something was wrong. The spring in her step had gone and she looked tired. He could tell she'd been crying by her red rimmed eyes. She looked well and truly beaten. He knew it was something serious when she started avoiding him and the whispers between her and Beryl stopped the minute he came into the room. He had to choice but to trick the Doctor and Beryl into telling him. He was terrified, more so than he'd ever been with Joe Burns. Another man you could fight with for her affections but an illness would render him helpless. If he was scared what was she? Did she truly believe she was going to die and burn? It broke his heart to see her giving up and it broke even more when she blocked him out. Still he had tried to make life as easy as possible for her in his own quiet way.

But the tables turned again and he found himself singing with joy while he polished the silver. She was going to be fine. She was going to be by his side for a long while yet. The woman he loved was going to continue being his strength. Because he did love her. Whole heartedly. But he would never tell her. She deserved so much better.

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